Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

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Amelie

8 1/2 ]]> http://travisramsey.com/word/index.php/opinions/top-movie-list/feed/ 0 http://travisramsey.com/word/index.php/opinions/a-new-opportunity-in-choosing-relationship-forms-research-paper/ http://travisramsey.com/word/index.php/opinions/a-new-opportunity-in-choosing-relationship-forms-research-paper/#comments Mon, 21 Mar 2005 02:10:14 +0000 admin http://travisramsey.com/word/?p=3 Dating, one night stand, fling, friends with benefits, hanging out, fun on the side, sex slave, boy toy, booty call, summer fun, sugar daddy, sugar momma, lady friend, mistress, romantic interest, romantic partner, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, husband, and wife are some modern terms related to relationship forms today.  50% of marriages today are ending in divorce and beyond that a large number of relationships are ending despite the couple still liking each other.  It is obvious there are some problems with our current relationship forms.  With so many people feeling un-happy with their romantic relationships there is a need to look for something different that can make us happier.  There are several external forces that come from how culture/society operates that guide people to decide which relationship form to practice.  As our society changes people need to reevaluate their priorities and needs, reexamine traditional practices, and find the relationship form that best works for them.

Forces Influencing Relationship Forms:

There have been several external and internal forces that dictate what relationship form we choose to practice.  However, I am going to narrow them down to six major forces.  Sometimes these forces influence decisions on a conscious level, but usually are largely operating on an unconscious level.  The first major force deciding relationship forms is the role of the man verse the woman in a culture.  Until recently men have dominated women in culture.  Men ran the government; men waged the wars; men ran the businesses; they did everything.  Men decided what women did to serve men’s needs.  Men also chose what relationship forms to practice with women.  That is why you found it normal for men to have mistresses in addition to their wives.  They were able to do what they wanted, where as the women were subject to man’s control.  Far less common, is when women were dominant and retained the power.  These roles between women and men also had a major impact on the economic structure of relationships.

Economical survival has played a huge role in relationship forms throughout history.  As a result of men dominating women, women became very dependent on their relationship with men in order to survive or have social status.  Although women depended on the security of a relationship with a man, it is not why marriage was created.  Marriage is born from two concepts: Religious or spiritual reasons and the need to legally define the relationship through the eyes of the government.  Marriage has been used for centuries to create alliances among families.  Arranged marriages were extremely common in the past, which were obviously not created out of love, but economic alliance for survival.  These arranged marriages could be used to combine acres of land together, or bind two businesses together.  This concept is well known in the marriages of kings and queens where it was common for a prince from one country to marry a princess of another country as a way make them allies.  For example in 1415 AD the King of France, Charles VI, arranged the marriage of his daughter to the Henry V, the King of England, and their son was to rule both England and France.

How we successfully raise children has always been a considerable factor in relationship forms practiced in any culture.  Who will raise the child?  Who is responsible?  The answers to these questions have helped define the relationships between men and women.  To successfully raise a child you need to provide it with at least food and shelter, and then love and attention.  Humans care about how children are raised because of their inherent nature to want to continue the species.  Biological anthropologists have determined that there is an instinct that humans have to pass on their seed (Relethford).  Therefore humans invest a lot of time and care into raising children.  If people had sex with a lot of people and were bearing a lot of children without structure in the relationships then the children’s survival rate would decrease.  Whether a culture raises a child as a group with everyone caring for every child, or it is a mother and a father raising a child, it will help determine the relationship form.  A culture will structure their relationship form to ensure the care of the children.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) has in the past and still does have a major impact on our sexual nature in relationship forms due to the fear of catching a deadly disease.  An STD is a disease a person catches form another person through the act of sex.  This force is pretty self-explanatory.  The more people you have sex with the greater the chance of being infected with an STD.  This fear of disease (or even death) has kept people on guard with having sexual affairs with many people.  Before advances in medical technologies, religion would say that God was punishing the evil, promiscuous people by giving them a STD.

Religious and spiritual beliefs also guide people in acceptable and un-acceptable relationship forms.  Some religions clearly define what relationship form their followers are to practice.  For example Christianity advocates no sexual relations before marriage, and marriage to one person who you will be with for the rest of your life (Issues).  Mormons on the other hand have men marry more than one wife.  Religious or spiritual beliefs can promote the sacredness of sex as something to be shared with one person.  Others could promote sex is only for procreating children.  Still others could promote sex and relationships as a healthy practice.  In the 400s AD of Japan it was believed in two of the major religions that the man could gain immortality if he could keep his seamen while making a female orgasm (History).  Then over in Rome in 306 AD Saint Augustine declared that sex should not be enjoyed and should only be practiced for procreation (History).  Even today it is acceptable for a married Japanese man to have sexual relations with another women as long as there is no emotional attachment involved.  It is considered cheating only if cheating in his heart.  This falls under this category of spiritual beliefs.

Of these six major forces discussed, personal happiness is the only true internal force in the sense that it is a decision that solely benefits the individual.  Disregarding all the elements discussed above, what makes you happy?  If there was no such thing as an STD, no group religion, no difference in the role between man and women, money grew on trees, everyone had the same social status, and there were no children to raise, what relationship practice would make you happy?  Do you like to delve deep into a relationship with a single person?  Do you like to experience a variety of people?  Do you get bored with one person after a certain amount of time?  Do you like to know that when you come home every night, you will share your bed with the same person?  Are you a sexacholic who needs to have sex with as many people as possible?  Is sex only meaningful if you are in love with the person?  Answering questions like these will guide people in deciding how relationship forms can make you personally happy.

Recent changes to current USA society:

The United States of America has changed dramatically in the way society functions currently, within the last one hundred years.  Spawned with the rise of the industrial era, came the ability for people to be economically independent from family and relationship forms.  In the past when people worked on farms to get our food, we depended on that land and a group of people—usually a family—to make that farm work.  Then factories pop up and need workers to run the factories and start pulling people off the farms.  The industrial revolution to the technology revolution led us to today, where our society has a variety of careers to choose.  Now people leave their families and homes to where the job is, instead of staying at home on the farm for their job.  Independent jobs have made us economically independent.  In the USA an eighteen year old can move out of her parent’s house, get a job, get an apartment, and support herself with a standard of living much higher than most of the world.

Even though our constitution states, “freedom and justice for all,” it has only been in the last fifty years that women have made gigantic steps towards equality to men economically and socially.  There are still steps for women to make in our current society, such as a higher percentage of women in the government and a woman president, but there really isn’t anything a woman can’t do these days.  Women are CEOs, senators, the breadwinners, etc.  Women do not rely on men anymore for survival.  Men do not decide what women do to serve their needs anymore.  Some men are now “stay at home dads” when the wife is the breadwinner, supporting the family financially.  Social standings between men and women are more equal.  And if it doesn’t seem that way to some people or in some certain instances it is because our society is still in a transitional stage.

The technology era has brought our medical field advancements in birth control and protection against STDs like nothing before.  Effective birth control makes having sex for pleasure more possible, without the fear of having a child when people are not ready.  Then such things as the condom make it more likely to have sex without catching an STD.  At the rate of medical technology it is sure to get even more sophisticated with time.  We may not have found a cure for AIDS yet, but it is bound to be cracked.

The Need for Change:

With the major recent changes in our society, people need to re-evaluate their ability to choose their relationship forms.  Relying on traditional relationship forms is an external force and should be re-examined.  A lot of the common relationship forms practiced today were created in a culture that is much different than ours today.  Changes in our society have given people the opportunity to now look more within oneself to decide the relationship form that best works for them, and put personal happiness at the top of priorities.  With medical advances we can start to be less afraid of unwanted children and STDs.  With economic independence, relationships are no longer needed to survive or gain status.  And with the rise in equality of women and men, women can now decide on their own terms how they want their relationships to be.

These changes in our society are probably the reason 50% of marriages end in divorce today.  Marriage in the past was used to create an economical tie between people.  But people who get married today don’t always economically depend on their partner to survive.  And if they get divorced, the two parents are still equally responsible to raise the children.  The only real force keeping marriages together today is religion, and to keep a positive household for the children.  Most parents think that a divorce will negative effects on a child.  But they do it anyway because staying together will also negatively affect the child.   In addition to 50% of marriages ending, fair amounts of people are not completely happy in their relationship during the entire time.  And sometimes breakup with someone even when they still like the other person.  They breakup because one feels to controlled, likes another person, doesn’t like the person as much as before, or is not being completely satisfied in one area of the relationship.  Because of this failure in relationships and low levels of complete happiness people need to look for change.

Different relationship forms to choose from:

There are several different types of relationship forms to choose from that have been practiced and are still practiced in different cultures all over the world.  The most commonly practiced form in USA society is monogamy, which consists of one person romantically involved with one other person.  The true definition means that you are only sexually involved with one person for your entire life.  However “Serial Monogamy” is the more practiced form of monogamy where one person is romantic with one person for a limited amount of time.  Meaning someone is in one relationship and ends that relationship before starting a new one.  Monogamy, in the sense that you are married to one person, has been practiced for as long as history is documented.  However outer marriage sexual relations has been extremely common in most cultures in history.  Romans in before Christ and in the first couple hundred years after Christ were extremely promiscuous (History).  It wasn’t until Christianity came into normality that monogamy started to take over.  In 306 AD, Constantine, the Roman Emperor converted to Christianity, the first world power of that faith.  During the next two hundred years Christianity struggles with its different beliefs from different bishops.  The bishop of Milano (Northern Italy) believed that “love thy neighbor,” meant it was healthy to have sexual relations.  But the bishop of Ravena (central Italy) believed that sex should only be practiced for procreation (Coffin).  He had a belief that the more you give up in pleasure the closer you get to God.  As the church organized with a Pope, Cardinals, Bishops, and Priests, the belief held by the bishop of Roma took over as the main stream Christian belief about relationships.  Christianity spread throughout Europe, which ended up being the leaders of a lot of the world.  Spain, Portugal, and Britain, all Christian nations, colonized all of the Americas, most of Africa, and other parts of the world, thus spreading the philosophy of monogamy under the religious flag.

The two major advantages to a monogamous relationship is you have less risk of catching an STD and the responsibility to raise a child is very clear.  Obviously with monogamous relationships people are having sex with less people.  They also have sex with the same person for a long period of time.  Both these elements reduce the risk of catching STDs.  When a monogamous couple has a child it is very clear who the father and mother are because they aren’t having sex with other people.  The structure of who raises the child is very clear.  The mom and dad will form a family with their children and raise them until they are ready to go out on their own.

Another relationship form is “Polygamy” where either one man has more than one wife or one woman has more than one husband.  “Polygynous societies are about four times more numerous than monogamous ones” (Polygamy).  The first subgroup of Polygamy is “Polygyny” where one man has more than one wife.  This relationship form was extremely common in a lot of cultures where men had the ability to support more than one wife.  Men benefited from having more than one wife and since they dominated, they got what they wanted.  Back when we were all farmers and even before that, having multiple women in the house was beneficial because their duties could be split up.  For example if one wife was really good at cooking and the other was really good at sewing they could specialize in those areas of work to support the household.  This is back in a society where there were not restaurants or malls to buy clothes at.  The women of the house had to provide everything that a store today would provide.  With more wives, a man could have more children.  With more children he could have a larger work force to work on the farm.  The man also was spreading his seed with more children because there are more wives to bear children.  While one wife was having a child the other wives could support the family, which helped in the raising of children.  How many wives you had was a symbol of social status.  The more wives the higher your status, because it meant you were rich enough to support all of them.  Currently in the USA, Mormons practice Polygyny.  Currently, “Islam allows a man to have up to four wives at any one time. However, a woman cannot have more than one husband at a time” (Polgamy).

Polyandry, the other form of Polygamy, is the form where one woman has more than one husband.  This isn’t as common in history or presently.  Polyandry existed in cultures where women dominated men or there was a shortage of men.

The most famous example of polyandry, in Hindu culture, for example, occurs in the Mahabharata where the Pandavas are married to one common wife, Draupadi.  Today it is almost exclusively observed in the Toda tribe of India, where it is sometimes the custom for several brothers to have one wife. In this context, the practice is intended to keep land – a precious resource in a populous country like India – within the family. (Monogamy).

An advantage to Polyandry is you have fewer children because only one woman is having babies in a family, meaning you can control over population.  In addition you have more men to support the family.  For example on a farm it is beneficial to have more men for physical labor.  Any of Polygamous relationship form that is organized helps families have more resources for survival.  Two is better than one in raising a child or supporting each other, and three is better than two, and four is better than three, and so on.  The downside is some of the family members may feel more neglected than the other wives or husbands.  Cultures have attempted to address this issue in the past by organizing a rotation of which wife or husband to spend the night with.  However, a lot of participants today who have been interviewed has expressed that jealousy is not an issue in their family.

“Polyamory” is the first relationship form that has been formed entirely around the force of personal happiness.  Because this relationship form isn’t as widely understood, I’ll explain a little more.  It is a relationship form where women and men have more than one deep, meaningful relationship.  More common terms are open marriage, open relationship, dating, or free love.  The only difference in open marriage is that you are married to a primary partner but have other relationships openly outside your marriage. The difference between polygamy and polyamory is “polygamy is more often used to refer to codified forms of multiple marriage (especially those with a traditional/religious basis), while polyamory implies a relationship defined by negotiation between its members rather than cultural norms” (Polygamy).  These multiple relationships are not just for sex but also for intimate emotional connections.  You have a relationship with one person that would be like a boyfriend or girlfriend in a monogamous relationship and you have other relationships with similar intimate connections at the same time, with different people.  In this relationship form people are to be honest and open about their other relationships.  Independence is encouraged and is supposed to be the driving force for keeping their relationships interesting and attractive which will make them last longer, while still being happy.  It pushes you to find the most happiness you can from your relationships.

Not all the relationships have to be as intimate as the others.  Some polyamorists describe the difference between primary and secondary relationships.  A primary relationship is with someone you spend a lot of time with and or share a deep emotional connection with.  A secondary relationship would be with someone who you spend less time with and or share a less emotional connection with.  This secondary relationship could be someone you like a lot but lives far away from you, so you don’t see that person often.

“I’m just dating right now.”  Have you ever heard someone say that?  That is a person wanting the qualities of a polyamory lifestyle.  Dating in today’s world means having relationships that don’t mean a lot emotionally, with multiple people, at the same time.  If you are dating someone it isn’t serious yet.  If you are dating, it is ok to date other people, and you are not responsible to tell the other people you are dating.  However, saying that you are dating implies a temporary lifestyle; that eventually, when you are ready, you settle into a monogamous relationship.  Those people especially should consider a polyamory lifestyle.  Other than people dating, this type of relationship form was big in the 1960’s here in the USA. They didn’t call it polyamory; they called it free love.  But in the 1970’s people that continued to practice it created definitions like polyamory and open marriage.  Currently there isn’t a way to legally marry more than one person and in fact is outlawed in many states.  But if there is a desire to marry in a polyamorist life style, that change could be made.

The advantage to polyamory is freedom to make yourself as happy as possible in your relationships.  If you are not completely happy with one relationship you can stop seeing that person all together, or see them less.  And if you like someone else you can be with him or her as well.  You decide how much time to spend with each person depending on what you want.  Nothing is set in stone to infringe on your natural desires.  Another benefit is people are completely honest.  There is no reason to lie or hide things because everything is open and encouraged.  The downside is the risk for catching an STD is greater.  People are having sex with multiple people and it’s not controlled.  Another thing is that your relationships are not secure. And what about jealousy?  As one couple said, “Janet, or me, is liable to meet someone much handsomer, much smarter, much richer, much more stimulating intellectually and that’s the end maybe, of the marriage.  But life is like that anyway.  There’s no guarantee in life about anything” (O’neill 170).  Jealousy really stems from personal doubt that either a person can’t satisfy their partner or doubt in the relationship itself.  “If you are insecure and depend upon your mate to fulfill all your needs, then you will experience a sense of loss when he shares himself with someone else, or even gives over large amounts of his time to a hobby or his career” (O’niell 173).  If someone is not completely secure and rely on their partner then they should work on that first before trying a Polyamorous relationship.  Otherwise insecurity and jealousy would make this relationship form very hard.

Wrapping Things Up

The challenge of choosing an un-common relationship form today is similar to being a homosexual. Not everyone is gay.  If you are gay and fall in love with someone who is not gay then you have a problem.  The same goes for any non-mainstream romantic relationship form and for any relationship form for that matter.  Mormons for example have a limited group to choose their mates because the majority of Americans do not practice Polygny.  If you decide you want to try a Polyamorous relationship or some other modified form of that, who ever you get involved with has to want the same thing.  And if they don’t, then you are posed with the conflict of sacrificing your beliefs or desires to be with that person.  One of you will have to change in order to be together.  The same goes for a person wanting a monogamous relationship who finds someone who wants a polyamorous one, or is just dating.  Having different relationship forms in a culture poses a major conflict for people who do not share the same ideals but want to be together romantically.  If two people want to be romantically together they should put that as a top priority and work with the ideals of each person as best they can.

Although there are definitions in the world of relationship forms, there are no limitations to modifying those relationship forms or creating a different form all together.  There are other relationship forms not discussed here such as “Polyfidelity” where one restricts sexual relations within a group of people and the only way to join that group is by getting tested for STDs.  Another group are “Swingers” who have one deep emotional relationship but have sex with other people for physical pleasure only.  I encourage people to evaluate their needs and define their priorities in choosing a relationship form.  And when doing so considering the current functions of the society or culture you live in.  In the USA here men no longer dominate women like they did before.  Women can decide what makes them happy now.  Medical advances are curing diseases and providing us with birth control; at the rate our technology is advancing, those medical achievements will advance farther in the years to come.  People no longer have to depend on their romantic relationships to economically survive or gain status.  We are independent, and choose who and why we are connected to certain people. We have an opportunity in our current society to look more within ourselves to discover the relationship form that satisfies the force of personal happiness.

Some of the relationship forms practiced today were started by cultures that are very different than the one we live in today.  They were based off cultural systems that don’t entirely apply to us. Relationship forms should evolve with our society and has already done so with some people.  Our traditions in relationship forms should be re-examined and put to the test of current priorities and needs based off the current societal system.  I’m not advocating any certain relationship form; I’m advocating that people find what makes them the happiest.